The Challenges of Making Friends as Adults (and How to Build Genuine Connections)
When we are children, making friends often feels effortless. We meet classmates, kids outside in the neighborhood, or others in activities we love. Friendships happen more naturally because we are placed in environments where connection is built into our daily lives. These relationships are sometimes friendships of convenience, and when we move or change schools, we often drift apart. But usually there are always new people to meet.
As adults, the picture changes. Many people share with me in counseling sessions how hard it feels to build and maintain friendships. Work schedules, family responsibilities, and even where we live can make it difficult to find time or energy for connection. Geography can be a surprisingly big factor too. In Portland, OR, clients often tell me that if someone lives across a bridge, it may as well be another state. So when a friend moves to a different part of town, it can become harder to stay connected, and those friendships sometimes fade over time. Unlike childhood, adult friendships rarely just “happen.” They require us to be intentional, to take risks, and to show up consistently.
This can have a real impact on mental health. Feelings of loneliness and isolation often contribute to anxiety and depression. I hear from many adults in my counseling practice in Oregon and Washington that they long for deeper connections but are not sure how to take the first step. Moving from casual conversation to genuine friendship can feel intimidating. It takes vulnerability to invite a coworker to lunch or ask an acquaintance to meet outside of the usual setting, but those small steps are often what open the door to meaningful relationships.
One important tip is to take pressure off yourself. When we put too much pressure on ourselves to say the right things, make a perfect connection, or “perform” socially, it can actually close us off and increase anxiety and overwhelm. Instead, try to approach new opportunities with curiosity and openness. Focus on showing up rather than getting it exactly right, and leave space for relationships to develop naturally.
Technology, friendship apps, and meetup groups can be helpful, but many people find they do not always feel organic. Even if you meet someone, it still takes ongoing effort and consistency to nurture the relationship.
Here are a few ideas to create opportunities for friendship in adulthood:
Try a class or workshop. Whether painting, dancing, cooking, or yoga, classes give you a shared activity and a natural way to meet others.
Join events you already enjoy. Volunteering, hiking groups, book clubs, or community activities bring together people with similar interests.
Practice small invitations. If you have someone you enjoy talking with at work or in your neighborhood, ask if they would like to get coffee or go for a walk.
Be patient and consistent. Friendships deepen over time. Staying in touch, showing interest, and making space for the other person are what help relationships grow.
Making friends as an adult takes more effort than it did when we were kids, but it is possible. By putting yourself in spaces that bring you joy, leaving pressure behind, and being open to new experiences, you can create friendships that bring meaning, connection, and a sense of belonging.
If you find that loneliness, anxiety, or depression are making it harder to connect with others, counseling can help. If you are in Portland, OR, or anywhere in Oregon or Washington, I can work with you and provide support, tools, and encouragement as you work toward building the relationships you want. Connect with my and we can navigate this journey together.
(Photo credit: Xennie More)