Is Your Boss Making You Sick?
You have a great job. You make good money. You even like your boss. On paper, everything looks like it's going right.
So why are you awake at 2am dreading tomorrow? Why does it feel like no matter what you do, you're still failing, still behind, still not enough? Why are you back on your laptop after the kids are in bed, and why has the self-doubt, the anxiety, the depression, and maybe even a flicker of suicidal thoughts, started creeping in?
You've tried to fix it. You've worked harder, stayed later, tried to get organized, tried to catch up. Nothing sticks. Nothing feels like enough.
So here's the question worth sitting with: is this actually your fault, or is your boss setting you up to fail?
I've worked with so many people who swore they had a great boss, until we looked closer and realized most of their distress was coming directly from that relationship. Take a minute and really think about yours.
Are they disorganized and expecting you to hold all the pieces together?
Do they hand you work that was never supposed to be yours?
Do they give you a project, then take it over completely and toss out what you did?
Do they treat you like their personal therapist, and make you feel guilty for wanting a life outside of work?
Are they so dependent on you that leaving feels like abandoning them?
Are you quietly doing the job of two or three people because you're "just so good" at handling it?
If any of that landed: it's not you. It's your boss.
We were sold a lie about loyalty
Most of us were raised to believe that if we work hard enough, show enough commitment, and stay loyal, we'll be taken care of in return. That hasn't been true for a long time, and it's time we stop pretending otherwise. We give so much of our lives to these jobs, and the moment the bottom line is threatened, or someone above your boss says jump, you are entirely expendable. The loyalty was never mutual.
If you want a sustainable work-life balance, no one is going to hand it to you. You have to build it yourself.
Where to start
Here are six things you can do right now to stop the creep and build real boundaries with your boss:
Get work off your personal devices. No email, Teams, Slack, or other chat and teamwork apps on your phone or other personal devices, and stop answering them after hours. Work time is work time. Personal time is personal time.
Stop taking work calls after hours. Tell your boss clearly when you are and aren't available, then actually hold that line.
Reassess your workload. Is the way you're working actually sustainable? Can you realistically handle everything on your plate? It might be time to start saying no to new projects or clients so you can do the work you already have well, inside work hours.
When the workload piles up, hand the prioritizing back to your boss. Ask them directly what should move to the top and what can wait. This tells them, without conflict, that you're not going to run yourself into the ground trying to hit every deadline.
Compare your job description to your actual job. Are you doing your job, or are you quietly doing other people's jobs too?
Put a container around when you're allowed to think about work at home. Pick a landmark on your commute, a street, a store, and once you pass it, work related thoughts are off limits until you pass it again the next morning. Working from home? Set a timer for how long you'll let yourself think about it, then close the door on it for the night.
One more thing, if you're a licensed professional, remember that you have a license to protect. If you make a mistake or miss something important because you were too tired, too busy, or were asked to do something outside of your scope, your boss will likely not be there to back you up. You are putting everything you have worked so hard for, and maybe haven't even finished paying off yet (hello, student loans), at risk. You have to think of yourself first.
If you try all of this and you're still stuck in anxiety, depression, overwhelm, or burnout, you don't have to push through it on your own. If you're in Oregon or Washington, reach out for counseling. Let's figure out what your needs are and get you some relief.